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I drive her crazy!

If you have a sister, then this applies directly to you. Despite your best efforts, your sister will date. I tried my hardest to instill the whole “don’t date until you’re married” mantra in my sister, but I failed. Too often, there’s a guy coming over to take my sister out. I’m an overprotective older brother by nature, so obviously I had to create a rule book / guide to dealing with these intruders. Enjoy!

  1. Never refer to the guy by his first name until he passes the three week mark. Refer to him as that guy, that jerk, or my personal favorite, Project 27 (or approximately whatever guy number it is)

  2. It must be three consecutive weeks. No exceptions.

  3. If there is a break between your sister and the guy that eclipses a full calendar year, it’s a new relationship, i.e. a new three week period. People change. Refer to rule number 1, but you can give him his original project number.

  4. Do not acknowledge his presence until he has passed the three week mark. If for some reason your sister introduces you, a simple ‘Sup will work fine.

  5. The exception to rule number 4 is if you already know the guy (i.e. a friend). You are allowed to acknowledge his presence, but keep interaction to an absolute minimum until the three week mark

  6. It is ok to stare him down.

  7. If Project 27 tries to get to know you, always be doing something or going somewhere. He’s not worth your time. You can’t be interrupted while playing Black Ops or going to ju-jitsu class.

  8. Nothing shows you’re in charge like crashing a first date. Oh, you just happened to be at Coffee Bean too? I’m always watching.

  9. You’re the alpha dog, mark your territory accordingly. Don’t be afraid to walk around the house in your boxers carrying only a baseball bat.

  10. Speaking of marking your territory, pee on his car door handle. You will have the satisfaction of knowing that every time he enters his car, he’s touching your urine.

  11. Observe everything. Does he walk with a limp? What’s his style? Is he nervous? You never know what will be useful in the future.

  12. Don’t be afraid to showcase your masculinity. Talk about your love for football, beer, fighting, and Buffalo Wild Wings.

  13. Accordingly, embellish all stories. If you are talking about how you killed a spider, it was either Aragog from Harry Potter or one of those monsters from King Kong.

  14. Make sure they leave room for Jesus.

  15. Actively recommend that your sister consider becoming a nun.

  16. If the guy is bigger than you, don’t back down. That’s what sucker punches are for. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

  17. If the guy says anyone other than Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time, kick him out. Immediately. Your sister deserves to date someone with a semblance of intelligence.

  18. Practice the art of tailing. Make sure Project 27 is actually taking your sister to the botanical gardens, not Lover’s Lane.

  19. As my father says, nothing good happens after midnight. This applies directly to your sister and Project 27.

  20. Brothers of the world unite. If you have a sister, you have an obligation to help out a friend if his sister has guy problems.

  21. Consequently, don’t be prideful. Know when to call for backup.

  22. Say no to hipsters.

  23. Same goes for the unemployed.

  24. Especially when it’s an unemployed hipster

  25. Is it too far? No. This is your sister.

  26. Hit the gym. It’s hard to be taken seriously when you’re 50 pounds overweight and your idea of cardio is a quick dash to the fridge for another beer.

  27. He’s not allowed to have hair longer than your sister.

  28. His pants cannot be tighter either

  29. It’s ok to be a little bit crazy. Seem a little bit off, like not everything is working up there. It will keep him on his toes.

  30. Know where you keep the rulers. You are in charge of wardrobe check before your sister goes out.

  31. You’ve never cried.

  32. You only lose if he wins

  33. That doesn’t mean this is a game. This is war!

  34. All is fair in love and war. Act accordingly.

  35. Carry a weapon at all times.

  36. Sun Tzu says it best. All warfare is based on deception

  37. Is he a jerk? Of course he is

  38. Are you a jerk? No. The second your sister was born, you were sworn to protect her. At all costs.

  39. Growing a handlebar mustache is encouraged.

  40. Accidents happen all the time. Apologize and when he turns away, chuckle menacingly under your breath.

  41. Do not let your sister and Project 27 sit together. This means at the dinner table, on the couch, or at the movies.

  42. Should you? Yes, you should.

  43. It is better to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.

  44. A good commander always knows his enemies strengths and weaknesses. Use social media to your advantage.

  45. You are mother bear. You love your cub (sister), but you viciously protect her.

  46. Your sister’s opinion is irrelevant, unless she wants to get rid of Project 27. Then she is absolutely correct.

  47. Need inspiration or not sure what to do? Just google Bad Boys 2 boyfriend intimidation scene (the scene contains a lot of language, but so funny. And accurate).

  48. The goal is to scare him off. If you succeed, he wasn’t worth your sister’s time. If you follow the above rules and he still sticks around, he’s resilient and probably a keeper. You can be friends now and laugh about it over beers.

Let me know if you have any others that we should add!

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